Happy Draft Day, gentlemen. The sun has long been set on another great fantasy football season, and after a long offseason we are once again at the inception of another arduous battle. As we set our sights toward a new dawn, let us first look back at how we fared last season.
How It Ended
The 2021–2022 campaign ended with something that was long overdue: a championship victory for Benn, who was, up until that point, always the bridesmaid never the bride. What a great feeling it must have been to finally get the monkey off his back, and for that, we salute you once more.
On the other end of the spectrum, another long overdue result came to pass. I (David) finally finished in last place after years of failing to make the playoffs but narrowly dodging the race to the absolute bottom. Am I this league’s Factory of Sadness/Cleveland Browns? Maybe so, but here I am once more, ready to be hurt again.
How It Begins
The 2022–2023 marks the start of another chapter for our league. First off, please join me in welcoming our newest member, Jordan, to the league this year. While he very may well be the best actual football player in the group, we will see how he fares in the world of fantasy.
A quick review of some league changes for this year:
- We have moved off of Yahoo to the Sleeper app. Hopefully you knew this already.
- “Beat-the-median” scoring: Every week, you will compete against your head-to-head opponent, but also be scored against the weekly score median. This means you will be given a 2–0, 1–1, or 0–2 record every week. While it may take a few weeks to get used to, we hope that it takes a degree of randomness out of fantasy football and rewards those who consistently score high but get unlucky weekly matchups *cough* *cough* *cough*.
While we don’t even have our draft order yet, I took a look into my crystal ball and also my highly complex predictive algorithm to determine how everyone will do this year. Here are the results:
Benn enters the league as the raining champ, and a consistent threat to contend every year. There are very few instances I can recall when he wasn’t fully in the hunt for a ring. I expect no less this year, but we shall see if reaching the ultimate goal last season will further motivate him or relax him a bit.
Prediction: Top 3
Having failed to make the playoffs every year of this fantasy football league, David looks to rewrite history and be the underdog anime protagonist the world roots for. The algorithm thinks otherwise, as it bases it’s reasoning on facts and logic only.
Prediction: Bottom 4
Always in a tier of his own, Dennis hopes his combination of 60% luck, 5% skill, 15% concentrated power of will, 0% pleasure, and 20% pain is a 100% reason to remember his name.
Prediction: Bottom 2
Jacob is analogous to the Cam Newton era Carolina Panthers that was good in even years, bad in odd years. Either winning the championship or being terrible every alternating year, 2-time league winner Jacob hopes that momentum swings in his favor once again this season.
Prediction: Top 6
This year’s newbie (congrats you’ve won Rookie of the Year by default) Jordan doesn’t have any data to analyze, but all I can say is BIG PLAYERS MAKE BIG PLAYS.
Prediction: 7th place
After a solid performance last season and a model consistent improvement since joining the league, Michael hopes to build upon his success and continue the momentum into this year.
Prediction: Top 5
2-time champion Nash underperformed his usual, lofty expectations last season, so expect a bounce back season to remind us of who he truly is. There’s no reason to doubt one of our most consistent league members will be in contention once again.
Prediction: Top 3
Consistently inconsistent, Ricky hopes the cards fall in his favor this time around. While always building rosters talented enough to make the playoffs, he is often his own worst enemy when it comes to making deeper playoff runs.
Prediction: 6th place
Apart from a blip in the universe that landed Sean a last place finish two years ago, he has been a consistent presence in the playoffs in our league. Expect no less this year, as a possible run at a championship is within reach.
Prediction: Top 4
Hot takes and bold reaches only work if they’re based in something more than a feeling bubbling in your gut. Unfortunately for Zach, it’s probably the dank Texas BBQ that will be pulling the blood away from his brain this time around.
Prediction: Bottom 3
GOOD LUCK THIS YEAR EVERYONE